September 29, 2024 Reflection

This worship series that Nancy and the worship team planned for these weeks is particularly appropriate for what we are now experiencing here.  Last week the theme “where does it hurt” was the framework into which we first began to process together the news of Brenda’s death.  And the answer to that question Where does it hurt?  EVERYWHERE!!  And this week, our theme question is “What do you need?” 

When difficult times or tragedy hits the people we love, often our initial response is to jump in and want to help.  What do you need? How can I help? Last Sunday in the prayers of the people I prayed for our feelings of helplessness.  We know that there is nothing that will ease Nancy and Nathan and Joel’s pain, but it does not stop us from wanting to try.  All week, the question I have most been asked from many of you is what can we do? How can we help Nancy? What does she need? 

This week’s question recognizes that we all have needs and that we need each other. It reminds us that we each have unique needs; we can’t assume to know what is best for others. It also prompts us to reflect on our own needs, priorities, and desires, which can sometimes be difficult to discern from one situation to the next.

In this morning’s reading from Job – In the midst of Job’s afflictions, three of his friends promptly leave their homes and come to be with him. They tear their garments, weep loudly, and sit with him for seven days, saying nothing. Their response is the ministry of presence, of true solidarity, of seeing his excruciating pain and joining him there. Beaten and imprisoned, Paul writes to Timothy with a simple request: “Come quickly.” He lists those who abandoned him, but says, “I hope that God doesn’t hold it against them!” In his greatest moment of need, Paul doesn’t need revenge, but instead asks for companionship. In essence, this is what we all need—for someone to come quickly, to gather the items we need, and to simply show up.

Last week after church, there was a bit of an impromptu gathering at our Regional office for any of us ministers who wanted to be together.  They knew that the news of Brenda’s death was being shared in church here that morning, and it was so comforting to hear that so many of them had been praying for our congregation that morning. We were being held and continue to be held by so many. 

Oftentimes we don’t know what we need.

I had many people reach out to me this week asking me how they can support me and our congregation.  At the best of times I’m not very good at asking for help, but I am especially aware right now that I really need to find those ways to reach out.  Sometimes we learn what we need when it happens.  On Monday morning I was here at the church with Catherine Branch, preparing the e-mail that you received on Monday, and being present with the Thrift Shop volunteers and any others who came by the church just having heard the news.  And I got a text from my daughter Angela who is home right now, that said “I’m making dinner tonight.”  I hadn’t yet even identified that need for myself or thought to ask it, but when I got that text I thought, yes – that’s exactly what I need tonight. 

When I was with the colleagues on Sunday afternoon – I didn’t think to ask for it, but knowing that we had been prayed for that morning and continue to be prayed for by the wider church – I realized that is what I needed for our community. 

On Monday morning I was at the gym, crying through my workout. When I left the gym I decided to go to Tim Hortons to grab a coffee to have on my way to work.  When I got to the window, the woman said that the car in front of me had paid for my coffee. So that made me cry too – but it was what I needed.  It reminded me of the goodness of humanity. 

Billy’s friend who had been married last summer in India, is now welcoming their first baby.  So in true Indian fashion – on Friday night they had a huge party at a big hall with hundreds of people.  We were invited.  After this past week, I really didn’t feel like going to a big noisy celebration, but I did.  The first people I saw when I walked in the door were two United Church ministers.  They knew Billy’s friend through a different part of his life so I had no idea they were connected.  We talked about the tragedy of the week and once again we were offered their prayers and their support.  I realized that was what I needed that night – to see them there, to remind me that even in the most difficult times there are opportunities for joy.  The pain will still be there, but we can take a break from it from moment to moment. 

Last week, prior to Saturday, I was sabbaticalling very well. I had no idea what you were doing for worship these days in terms of the theme.   On Sunday morning when I was looking at the slides for the screen, and saw that this week’s theme question was “what do you need?” the first thing I thought about was an article that Brenda shared a few weeks ago.  It was called “Grief Groceries.”  She talked about how when her twin brother died in May and Nancy was in Spain, she really appreciated the texts she would get saying “I’m at Starbucks, what do you want? Or “what do you need from the grocery store?”  In the article it talked about how difficult it is to make decisions in those early days of grief. 

So the question “how can I help” or “can I run errands for you” sometimes feel like they are too big of a question to answer or easy to just turn down.  Instead –  what is your coffee order or what groceries can I bring you is a more manageable decision to make.   

Sometimes we don’t know what we need – but when we get it – we recognize it.  And the opposite is true – sometimes we can identify what we need, by receiving something that we don’t need. I’m not sure what I need, but now, I know it isn’t THAT!

How many of you have ever had a bad day and found someone offering you unsolicited advice? How many of you have ever had a bad week and had someone rush in with dozens of suggestions for how you might fix things, as if you hadn’t thought of that before?

We have all been there, and we have all done that. It is part of our humanity.

Sometimes when we have been through a difficult time, we remember what helped us, and we want to share that helpful thing with someone else to ease their pain.  But we are not all the same.  We cannot anticipate what another person might need.  We all process grief differently.  We may have been through tragedy in our own life and know the pain of loss, but we can’t really know what another person is experiencing.  And sometimes we think about what we needed in a similar situation, and what was helpful – but that might not be the right thing for someone else.  Grief and the pain of loss is so individual for each person. 

Most of you know that I am a hugger.  But not everyone is a hugger.  When someone is upset or looks like they need comfort, my first inclination is to give them a hug. But over the years I have learned that not everyone is a hugger or finds comfort from hugs.  So me hugging a non-hugger is just projecting MY need onto them.  Saying – I know what YOU need in this moment. 

I was talking to Dominique the other day and our conversation reminded her of the Ring Theory in Psychology, which was very fitting to our conversation and I think a good thing to mention today.  Basically it says that the primary grieving person is in the centre, and then there are rings of people from closest family to acquaintances.  Each person in the diagram is advised to “comfort in, dump out”, which the clinical psychologist who developed it, Susan Silk, calls the “kvetching order”. The person in the center of the circle of rings can talk about their stress (“dump”) to anyone, but those in other rings can only dump to those in larger rings than their own. When talking to someone in a smaller ring than our own, we can only offer support and comfort and cannot discuss our own feelings about the situation, as discussing our own difficult feelings only adds to the stress the person in the smaller ring is already experiencing and is therefore unhelpful.  

Giving unasked-for advice, sharing of similar experiences, and offering platitudes are examples of non-supportive attempts to support or comfort and are included in “dumping in”

So for us here, it means that we can dump all we want on each other – share our grief and sadness and anger and heartbreak, but to Nancy and the boys we offer only comfort and love.  We don’t tell them about our own grief, we talk about that with each other and with our supporters who are on our larger rings.  We are used to our ministers supporting us through our difficult times – and so right now, you still have me and you have Julie.  Usually that is Nancy’s role in our lives too – but right now it can’t be.  We can’t put it on Nancy to have to manage our grief when she has so much of her own.

You have been asking what Nancy needs and what we can do for her.  Many of you have brought cards to the office that we have passed along to her.  She has received flowers and gift cards for food.  She has been surrounded by close friends.  In time, we will have other ways of supporting her and the boys with meals and other things.

For now – one of the things that she needs is to have room here at Mount Seymour for Brenda’s family, colleagues and friends who will be coming from all over the country for her memorial service.  She asked me if I thought you would mind gathering at Lynn Valley United together to view the service on their screens.  I said Nancy – they have been asking me every day what they can do to help you.  This is something tangible that they can do for you. 

Our scripture reminds us today that often in the face of hurt, what people really need is not a list of advice or solutions, but the simple presence of love. We are so blessed here to be community.  We have each other to lean on during times of grief, times of sadness, times of celebration, times when we need a little extra care.  I was talking to one of our thrift shop volunteers this week and she said what would we do at times like this without this community? What do people do who don’t have this?  Thank God we don’t have to find out.  We have this community – we have each other.  God is with us, guiding our way, holding us in the love that extends so far beyond our understanding.  

So what do we need?  With awareness of our feelings, we will be able to identify what we need in these times.  With sensitivity and understanding, we can help others to identify what they need in their difficult times as well.  And we can know in these times of need, that God is holding us, God is comforting us, God’s love shows up in a hug or a cup of coffee or a bag of groceries. 

Thanks be to God.